Breaking News-ish*Out of the Mouths of Babes

I like to spread the crazy out across multiple platforms so as to dilute the appearance of my family’s cray cray.

But Baby et al. is full of amazing tidbits of information. I would be a horrible world citizen if I didn’t pass them along. Here we go:

#1-Long ago, houses were built with dirt, hair, dead hair, candles, pencils, and teacups.

#2- There are houses under us. The “invisible people” live in those houses. (No clarification is offered on “invisible people”. Draw your own conclusions.)

#3-Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. 4 year old girls have snowflake boobs.

I will keep you updated as I learn more!

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Resolutions

To be even more badass.

Although, a mother who is in her 30’s and can eloquently use MF in a sentence is most certainly leading the mother fucking drop-off lane mafia already.

I could teach you but I’d have to charge.

Cheers, mates. Here’s to 2k18! Never drink and drive.

Tooth Fairy Nightmares

Obviously these dolls are not real. If they wanted true keepsakes, they could make them WAY less creepy (add baby’s first curl to the top…not really), but it bring up a good point…

I don’t mind Santa and the Easter bunny, but this Tooth Fairy business is some seriously creepy stuff…even without this spooky doll. Like, why are we doing this people? When is it going to be socially acceptable to say, “Here’s $5. Now go throw your tooth away.”

Joy to the World Video (This will get your giggles going)

Total “wait for it” video. You know the Christmas program is done when the kid starts throwing up gang signs! I laugh so hard I think I peed a little.

Please share the joy.

Roll Out

Thanksgiving means my husband gets a day off. He needs it. They “rolled out” a new system of something and it didn’t go well.

They never do. Whoever coined that phrase was trying really hard to figure out something else to call this “really shitty new thing the boss is going to make you do.”

I remember when I was working and we “rolled out” a new documentation system. We had to have extra staff on hand and our meals were catered that day. Because rolling shit out sucks.

“Republicans roll out a new tax plan.” Sound better than “republicans typed up thousands of pages of new tax shit you won’t read and it’s going to really screw you over!” (It’s ok, I can that because I’m a republican.)

In my opinion, the only successful roll out in modern American history is Ludacris’s 2009 hit track “Rollout“.

Just Occupying Space Over Here

“It is just a phase.”

Spoken at me, not with

As if to negate independent thoughts, expressions, translation of life

Blend all lives into one brown blob and crown it normal

But, as a pin on a map, an address, gps coordinates, I exists. Am composed of mass, occupy space, every last cell and atom.

Bringing with it a singular view with which I create my story. One step and word at a time. Each phase building upon its predecessor.

Each step brings a new perspective.

Palpable perspective.

And in that moment my phase is my reality. A dynamic reality. Ever changing to reflect my existence. To differentiate.

Similes: Phase and reality

Honor it as if you approved it or take you blob and go. I refused to fit a mold. But this I promise you, should I ever disagree with your shoes, I’ll notify you and expect they be thrown out.

Those shoes? They were just your phase, right?