Joy to the World Video (This will get your giggles going)

Total “wait for it” video. You know the Christmas program is done when the kid starts throwing up gang signs! I laugh so hard I think I peed a little.

Please share the joy.

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Birthday Cookies

Look, if I send my kid to school with 13 cookies and I go to pick her up and she’s the 2nd kid out of the door and there are only four other little butts on that mat, I want my other cookies back, lady!

I may have bags under my eyes and my shirt on backwards but I can still count past ten when there sugar and fancy frosting involved!

I just cleaned poop off of my toddlers ear and then had to brush her teeth because she told me, “poopy taste icky.” AFTER she gave me a goodnight kiss!

AFTER!!

Sometimes a leftover cookie is all we SAHM’s have to keep us from jumping off the highest level of the play equipment…..which wouldn’t really do anything except sprain an ankle and maybe gain us some sympathy points from the hubby and then maybe he might empty the dishwasher.

But that’s ok. You just eat those cookies like we both don’t know where they went. I’ll pretend like all these extra kids came and left when I wasn’t looking and ate the cookies.

Fine.

I Think I Might be the Easter Bunny

I live off of salads and veggies and am a massive organism. So as far as I can tell, the only rational explanation is that I am the Easter Bunny and I am just now realizing it.

For about ten years, I decided to be a vegetarian. Not because or animal rights or anything, just because I don’t really care for meat and I was sick of people asking me if I was a vegetarian all the time. Becoming a vegetarian is not a diet, let’s make that clear. It meant lots of carbs for me. And cheese. And dear God almighty, do I LOVE cheese!! I would F*CK cheese….but I digress. 

Becoming a vegetarian increased my love of veggies ten fold! I now eat meat but not often. And never rabbit meat. So clearly I’m the Easter Bunny!

I must go into some sort of amnesiac sleepwalking world tour once a year. 

What Happened, Leonardo?

   
Back in my day (yes is sounded that ancient in my mind) Leonardo DiCaprio was the cats meow. But these days he seems more like a crazy cat lady, than a stud muffin. He has more of a muffin top than a six pack. And the models who swoon over him are probably a six pack deep prior to ANY swooning.

Who cares? No one, that’s the sad part. Until he side-eyed the crap out of Lady GaGa at the Golden Globes. Which would be fine, if you didn’t look like this: 

or this: 
or God forbid, this: 
(disclaimer: last pic may have been photoshopped. I cannot confirm nor deny. Although I highly doubt there is a squirt gun designed to shoot pee.)So tweenagers, when you are all googly eyed over Harry Styles. Remember that this guy: 

WILL become this guy:sooner than you would like to think.

Barbaric Torture that is Classical Stretch 

As you know, I’m fat and happy. But since my dad died, I’ve questioned my own health. I know he got to a point where he just quite taking all his medications and stopped going to the doctor. I didn’t know it then, I do know it now. And it frustrates me to no end! I cannot put my family through that kind of stress. So it’s time to start making healthier decisions. (Tis News Years!)

Which brings me to ‘Classical Stretch.’ This is a show on public broadcasting lead by a retired ballerina. It’s geared towards women over the age of ME. Think “postmenopausal”.

From the get go I think to myself, “oh how cool! Sissy et al. would probably love to do this with me since she’s using ballet terms! How on earth could this go wrong?!” Always a dance mom!

5 minutes in before I need to pause it. Dear Lord, Her et al. this is embarrassing! Do not, under any circumstances post about this shit to your poor blog lovers.

Sorry Her et al.iens, I just don’t listen to reason. Now I am a religious exerciser, see my daily routine here. However, the increase in activity requirements from that exercise routine to Classical Stretch is depressing.

Here’s an example. Click it and do it with her. You’ll feel my pain!
I can only assume you’ve unfollowed me now and I’m sorry. Come back once your body allows you to forgive me.