Barbaric Torture that is Classical Stretch 

As you know, I’m fat and happy. But since my dad died, I’ve questioned my own health. I know he got to a point where he just quite taking all his medications and stopped going to the doctor. I didn’t know it then, I do know it now. And it frustrates me to no end! I cannot put my family through that kind of stress. So it’s time to start making healthier decisions. (Tis News Years!)

Which brings me to ‘Classical Stretch.’ This is a show on public broadcasting lead by a retired ballerina. It’s geared towards women over the age of ME. Think “postmenopausal”.

From the get go I think to myself, “oh how cool! Sissy et al. would probably love to do this with me since she’s using ballet terms! How on earth could this go wrong?!” Always a dance mom!

5 minutes in before I need to pause it. Dear Lord, Her et al. this is embarrassing! Do not, under any circumstances post about this shit to your poor blog lovers.

Sorry Her et al.iens, I just don’t listen to reason. Now I am a religious exerciser, see my daily routine here. However, the increase in activity requirements from that exercise routine to Classical Stretch is depressing.

Here’s an example. Click it and do it with her. You’ll feel my pain!
I can only assume you’ve unfollowed me now and I’m sorry. Come back once your body allows you to forgive me.

How To: Internet Dating-A Hardly Educational Post

  1. Be single. Not married. Not dating someone you haven’t broken up with yet. Not seperated, but still technically married. 
  2. Have Internet access via a smartphone, desktop, tablet, laptop or anything else the kids are using these days.
  3. Take a flattering picture of yourself….like a current one. With your current hair color, style, and weight. Believe me, we’ve all had those glory days when we were “sooooo skinny”, but if your not currently in the midst of your skinny days, admit it to yourself and show your true self. And cool it with the filters people! Geez, everyone looks like they’re in renal failure! 
  4. Choose a site or two, take into account price. I’m not sure what the kids are doing these days and I know there’s a billion of them. But find one and dive in.
  5. Be available, respond honestly to messages, initiate communication if there is someone who has caught your eye. Keep an open mind. Not everyone has read this super educational blog and they may not know how to do this whole internet dating. So don’t count someone out if they don’t have the best profile ever! Forgive grammar flaws.
  6. Before going on dates, check the person out online to make sure they have not killed anyone. I really feel like people who have killed other people, should not be online trying to get dates. But I really don’t think they see it the same way. The state I’m in has a website where you enter the persons first and last name and it shows you every ticket, lawsuit, and arrest for that person.

Stay tuned for my internet dating success story!  

Worst. First/ Last. Date. Ever.

Its been a zillion years or so since I was in the dating scene. But sometimes I like to reminisce, just to remind myself how awesome my hubby is. 

The guy. He was the older brother of a guy I went to school with. Like his little brother was hawt (totally would have settled for him), so obviously HIS older brother was the bees knees, right? Genes, DNA all that jazz. Plus, older brother was a huge football star in high school.

But this wasn’t high school. It was 8 years after. His glory days were 8 years ago and he had conceded to that fact. So he took up a hobby in his free time and decided to share that hobby with me, on our first date.

Metal detecting. Give it a try “Her et al.” this could be romantic out in nature, just me and him. I was like 92% sure he wasn’t going to kill me, I knew his family! What on earth could go wrong? 

Everything. Every. Damn. Thing. First off, he was convinced he would strike it rich, hit the big one with his mad metal detecting skillz. Meaning I, the amature, could quite possibly ruin his chance at fame and fortune! Therefore I was not allowed to hold the detector. Nor was I allowed to do the digging. Nor was I allowed to make recommendations. Nor was I allowed to break his concentration. 

So I sat my skinny butt (I just wanted to highlight the fact that I was skinny at this time in my life) in the grass in the shade and waited. He found .07¢.

I didn’t drive. That was my ultimate mistake. I had no way to bail on this date. If I had, I would have just gone to my car and left after an hour. But because I didn’t, I sat there for FOUR HOURS!!

Man, “Her et al.” that really was a crappy date….but wait, there’s more. He took me home, went in for the kiss to which I informed him I never kissed on the first date (big ol lie there, I love making out,) and I ran. Ran like someone was changing me!

Turns out, that nice shady spot under the tree that I found? Was home to poison ivy. Can you top me? I’ll mail you a sympathy card if you can top that horror story!

 Edited to include full picture of my artwork. Clearly the highlight of my story!