Preschool/Prehe(double hockey sticks)

What happens to my baby for the three hours she is out of my sights Monday through Friday?

Because she’s been doing this for a week now and she’s down a pound, begging for naps, and acting like she’s never been fed.

I send her to this primary colored looking baby love-me-land looking all tidy with her pigtails and cute dress. And I pick up this wild eyed, frizzy haired monstery midget with marker hands who is now dressed in someone else’s clothes, has one ponytail (I think), and a demonic voice is coming from her general direction demanding Spaghetti-O’s.

I can’t keep those things on the shelf either. Stupid Spaghetti-O’s (no I won’t Google how to really spell it!) And we’ve moved on to the “feeds 16 monsters midgets with marker hands” cans but it doesn’t matter because kid doesn’t even taste them. I’m thinking about getting her a straw next time to expedite things.

Oh and, I’m only allowed to warm them in the pan whilst she’s ripping her strangers clothes off with closed eyes, SCREAMING how she’s not tired. So about 30 seconds of “cooking”. But then they’re still, “TOO HOT MOMMY!”

My God people, be good to your teachers. I’m pretty sure most of them are currently thinking “why the hell didn’t I become a dentist?”

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Are You My Daddy?

Yesterday’s post began like this:

“I take every opportunity possible to embarrass Sissy et. al. She’s nine and I’ve earned this with each eye I’ve tolerated.”

Today at the grocery store while passing the homliest male human carved by the hands of God, Baby et. al calls out at the top of her 3 year old lungs to this man while he is a mere 9 millimeters from us, “are you my daddy?”

Has she said this before? Yes. I have no idea why, but occasionally she asks me if random men are her dad. Backstory: I’m married to her dad. We conceived her within the marriage. It’s all the legit with this one.

He was alarmingly tickled to have been asked this question so we got nada from the chip isle (BOO!) 

Karma’s a bitch. So I didn’t embarrassed Sissey et. al again, right? It strengthens her character, right?

Yep. I doubled downed. Had to pick something up in the office when picking up Sissey et. al from school and on the way out (with the entire rest of the school) she asks, “what’s for dinner tonight?”

And I replied the same way every other mom in American is going to respond tonight when they pick up with kids tonight.  

“Don’t talk to me. I’m famous.” And Her et. al kept on walking.

Water Bottle, Water Bottle. Wherefore Art Thou Water Bottle

I take every opportunity possible to embarrass Sissy et. al. She’s nine and I’ve earned this with each eye I’ve tolerated. 

She’s in dance and she’s one of “those” girls. Like those girls who goes four days a week ten+ hours, who knows, I don’t care. I wasn’t born with the dance mom gene, I’ve had to try and develop it. Which is tough with the zero fucks I give.

Where am I going with this?

Ah yes. So this years she’s stopped competing and I thought, “Hells yes!” What am I going to do with all this extra money and time? Time to take up heroine or something else fancy like that! I kid.

But Nooooooooo. There’s this new thing called “performance company”. And it’s worse than compeition. Like waaaaaay worse. Like the first day the director schedules head shots.

She’s 9! I wanted to be a mermaid when I was 9!

Ok so when she’s in these rehearsals she’s with high schoolers and girls she has looked up to for years (because shits getting real people) and she warns me….”don’t embarrass me mom!”

Embarrass you?! The girl who just told me that ALL of the food I cook in the crockpot taste like LITERAL dirty socks? Why on earth would I do that?

*5 minutes into class in my best sing songy voice*

“OH SISSY ET. AL! YOU FORGOT YOUR SNOWMAN BLOOD IN THE CAR!!”

The Dab

Alright kids. I’m going to give it to you straight.  You’re right, The Dab is not a sneeze.  But it’s close to a sneeze.  Us moms out there who are also nurses, strongly suggested the rappers in the ATL (I’m immensly cool for using that abbreviation correctly) via mind control to created this style of dance as a way of making hygenic sneezing cool again.

So go ahead kids, Dab away….Particularly durin cold and flu season.

Placing Bets

We are getting ready to build a house! Of course, it takes 90 years for the bank crap to get done and that’s where we are in the process. But once they are able to remove their craniums from their anus (ani? What is the plural of anus??) 

Anywho, I digress. Place your bets here and now!!

How many hair ties will we find in our old house when we pack?

Tie breaker:

Oddest place a hair tie was found. A subjective response which must match mine.

The winner will receive one pack of the braided black hair ties! And yes I will really mail these to you house or PO box!

The official move will not take place for abou 6 months. But I will tag this post when I update the winner! Or hop over to my Facebook page and like me there and find out quicker if you won!

First Competition Dance Mom? Here’s Some Advice…Bad Advice

***Disclaimer~Advice here should never be followed! Not on your child, someone else’s child, or even your dogs underbelly.****

A personal goal of mine is to one day bring one of my kids to any full hair/makeup dress rehearsal just once and NOT be told, “Um..close. But she’s going to need like ten times more than what you’ve presented us with today, asshat.”–I added the last word since I can only assume its inferred.

Advice #1-When your see the words “heavy street makeup” in your cast paperwork, they’re looking for prostitot. Heres a description of what prostitot looks like to normal moms.

Remember when you were in college and you would “pre-drink” in the dorms while getting ready to go out to save money but it then results in a drunk version of you attempting the smokey but instead getting the smokey eyes/eyebrows/nose parts next to eyes, plus a hooker red lipstick mustache? 

And then you’d wake up the next day in some rando’s place, so you run to the bathroom to collect your thoughts, either crap your brains out and/or vomit, and prepare for the walk of shame? That hideous creature staring back at you in the dirty mirror, is the look you’re going for on your beautiful baby.

So put down the fancy fine tipped, felt applicator eyeliner and grab your old worn out, 6 year old, unsharpened eye liner pencil and heat that bad boy up with a lighter. Now, hold the pencil on your child’s eyelid and instead of carefully drawing across, just have your child shake their head ‘no’ four or five times per eye. 

It should look like this: 

Yes. That’s right. Trust me. 

Advice #2-50 shades of hooker red lipstick. Start you collection now. You’ll find these popular shades in the clearance bin of your local Walgreens. You’ll likely have to arm wrestle a crack whore for the last tube, so start working out now. Look for “less expensive” brands like Wet n Wild. 

Dont use a lip liner. Allow the lipstick to bleed onto the skin surrounding the lips. Now, if your child is under the age of ten, don’t forget to send the tube with her backstage, to let her reapply as she sees fit (which, coincidently, is nonstop). It should look something like this by time she takes the stage: 

Advice #3-And because we all know how awesome bright red lipstick looks next to non-bright white teeth, make sure they brush their teeth for ten full minutes the morning of the performance. 

My kids have awesome dental health (probably better than everyone else’s kids😚), but natural, unwhitened teeth look highlighter yellow next to bright red lipstick. Apparently dance teachers are color blind because 100 out of 95 dance teachers ask for “bright red lipstick” (should be read ‘hooker red lipstick’)

If you don’t have ten minutes to devote to removing the enamel from their teeth, just use whitener. Now, when I tell you to use whitener, I mean never do that to your kids. It seriously like dissolves baby teeth and even I am too moral to do that to my kids.

Advice #4-All jewelry needs to be so large, it can be seen from space….or twice the size of the child’s head. Apparently the idea is to distract the judges with their earrings so they won’t notice their sickled feet (watched all seasons of Dance Moms and I still have no idea what that means). Basically you want people to ask themselves, “did this kid just rob a Cartier’s?” And hopefully the answer is “NO”….but dance is expensive so you do you.

You’re going to need the equivalent of 35 carets in one solid ‘stone’ (read as ‘plastic’). Many times, all the girls will have to buy their earrings from the same place so that one girls plastic is not bigger than another girls plastic.

They should look something like this: 

   

(Oh hey, my kid just put one of my slippers in the toilet….so that’s fun)

Advice #5-Hair. This is, by far, the worst part of dance. If the prospect of being told to do one of these hairstyles on your child doesn’t make you want to vomit….: 

……..Well then, I hate you. I don’t know what it is about competitions that makes these hairstyles acceptable. It’s takes me an hour to make a bun WITH a bun maker! You’ve seen her hair in class, does it look like I can create snakes coming out of her head!? Not unless I can superglue you snakes to head and at this point, I’d do it.

So I’ve developed a protocol to deal with this sadistic practice. Show up to call 20 mins late, hair not done. Sounds bat shit crazy, huh? Well it is. But once the director lays eyes on your unready’d kiddo, she’s going to pass stool in her britches and then do it herself.

Now, this will only work once before she likely kicks your kid off company. But consider that possibly for a moment….wouldn’t all that free time and extra money be ni…..Shake it off Her et al.! 

Advice #6-if your competition is out of town, make sure you stay in the same hotel as the dance director. Then have your child swim all night until the pool closes the night before their competition. 

If you’re lucky enough to have a mini, they are usually the first to go on….at like 8am (with a call of 7). Yes, the dancers with the shortest attention span and poorest discipline are expected to be ready to go first. Which is where the swimming comes in. Your kids going to be pissed at being up so early. Expect tantrums. 

If this works properly, your director will yell at your child and tell you to take them back to the room for nap, (i.e. you get a nap). Because with most dance companies, your dancer has to support every other dancer. All. Day. Long. Like 7am call to 8pm awards. 

Why the frack would anyone sign up for this crap? Their first class at age 2 was so cute! Wasn’t it? Their little leo’s and ballet slippers and funky leg warmers…so stinking cute you want rip your eyeballs out! 

Be warned, this may be the fate of your tiny dancer. It’s a cruel world, pals!

The Mom Face

Do it right now. While you’re reading this, give me your best mom face.

You know, the look you give your kids in public when you really want to say, “you best watch yo-self before I wreck yo-self, kid!” The ‘This is Going to be a Long Ride Home’ face.

It’s alright. I’ve been there. I don’t know why our children think it’s ok behave like children raised by wildlife when other people (read: less understanding than my husband) around.

Here’s a graphic highlighting of the 3 cardinal signals of ‘mom face’: 

 If you see a mom presenting any these three symptoms…run. But only because she needs privacy to yell at her kid.Can you out ‘mom face’ me? Write a post and tag this post!