Preschool/Prehe(double hockey sticks)

What happens to my baby for the three hours she is out of my sights Monday through Friday?

Because she’s been doing this for a week now and she’s down a pound, begging for naps, and acting like she’s never been fed.

I send her to this primary colored looking baby love-me-land looking all tidy with her pigtails and cute dress. And I pick up this wild eyed, frizzy haired monstery midget with marker hands who is now dressed in someone else’s clothes, has one ponytail (I think), and a demonic voice is coming from her general direction demanding Spaghetti-O’s.

I can’t keep those things on the shelf either. Stupid Spaghetti-O’s (no I won’t Google how to really spell it!) And we’ve moved on to the “feeds 16 monsters midgets with marker hands” cans but it doesn’t matter because kid doesn’t even taste them. I’m thinking about getting her a straw next time to expedite things.

Oh and, I’m only allowed to warm them in the pan whilst she’s ripping her strangers clothes off with closed eyes, SCREAMING how she’s not tired. So about 30 seconds of “cooking”. But then they’re still, “TOO HOT MOMMY!”

My God people, be good to your teachers. I’m pretty sure most of them are currently thinking “why the hell didn’t I become a dentist?”

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Best Toy for Christmas

The toddler of the house has been talking about this toy at her new preschool that she just has to have for Christmas.

It’s been described to me as, “2 fuzzy heads that you put tiny colored fuzzy squished balls in and then they fall out!” Apparently this is SO HILARIOUS!

Finally after scouring the world wide internet to no avail, I got the bright idea to follow kid into preschool and have her show me said wonder toy!

Brilliant, ey?

Behold, 2017’s Christmas must have toy:

Save your pennies folks!

Eyes

When I was ten I was convinced my mom had eyes in the back of her head. I'd stick my tongue out at her when I was positive she wasn't looking, yet she would know.

Now that I'm a mom, I realize that it's just something moms know. I know when my kid rolls her eyes at me. I can almost hear them roll to the very back of her pretty head.

Lord knows I don't have eyes in the back of my head. But I found this one on my butt today:

10 Is my Favorite Number 

Screaming first breaths and counting tiny toes

10 is my favorite number
“Line up on your number, children,” first day of school

10 is my favorite number 
Toeing the line between tom-girl and heels

10 is my favorite number
“Ugh mom, no one else has a curfew on the weekends!”

10 is my favorite number
Tear of joy

Run, twirl

Stop and think

Rinse and repeat
From beginning to end

My little girl forever 

But for now,

10 is my favorite number 

Signs. Signs.

Everywhere.

Baby et al. sees this sign and translates it as, “a mommy can have a purse, but daddy’s can have purses too.”

Um baby, the pc term is messenger bag, but whatevs.

Also I feel the need to mention that hubby et al. doesn’t carry a messenger bag…although there’s nothing wrong with them!

One Liner Lucy

Schools almost out or is out for you. Depends on where you are. I can’t help but fear for next year already. You see, next year Baby et al. begins real preschool at a school she will be at until 3rd grade and with the children she will graduate with.

But Baby et al. has developed a knack for one liners. It’s started soon after she was two when she asked a homeless man at Walmart if he was her daddy. Cute, but embarrassing for mommy. She quickly followed that up when she yelled at an elderly lady at Target, “HEY YOU! Girl! Are you happy?” 

Oh and then she would walk into any room and ask, “popcorn anyone?!” And then not provide popcorn. Which is both deceiving and disappointing. She would also tell obviously fictional stories like, “I got my foot stuck in a volcano!!” I know what you’re thinking. All kids say these things, plus they’re cute. STFU Her et al. 

But then, at her strict Lutheran preschool, she started ending her prayers with either “Love you. Cookies. Amen.” Or “Amen, butterflies.” Her teachers went out of their way to mention it to me, but didn’t seem to care but I was motified.

Plus, look at her: How could this innocent, blonde haired, gray eyed baby doll be anything but flawless.

And she’s yet to say anything worthy of calling DHS….just you wait. She’s learned to top herself with lines like “I had a baby and she ran away.” And “I use to live in a green, green house with lots of green bugs.” And “I use to live in a truck.”

I can see it now, when the DHS lady is conduction her unannounced home visit, Baby et al. will flatter her with “why do you have so many cracks on you face. My Grammy doesn’t have that many cracks because she isn’t as old as you.”  

Annnd this is why I have to keep my house clean. Potential, unannounced DHS visits secondary to bizarre comments from my preschooler.