You can’t read my shirt. But it says, “Mama Needs a Drink”
(Disclaimer: actually print was injured and abused in the making of these jokes)
Are wasps on the endangered species list? I’m talking those long, black sons of bitches whose butts hang down when they fly. Or is it socially acceptable for me to scream in terror when one comes flying at me, trying to eat my soul?
My dad said hi to me from heaven today. But let me give you some background if you’re new here.
I was born to parents like a really long time ago. I grew up and stuff and like a couple of years ago, my dad died. Unexpected, natural causes, traumatic, yada yada…all those fancy words.
So today I am driving down a semi busy road in my town (speed limit 50) when in the distance, I notice what appears to be a car show.
No. Don’t look.
Do not look for it, Her et al., it will just break you heart all over again!! No. NO. NO!!!
Oh look. There it is. Candy apple red, 68 VW Bug Show condition and “that” guy who bought it standing next to it.
I slammed on my brakes. Middle of the road! From 50 mPh to zilch. Luckily no one was right behind me.
And I gasped. It looked like it did the last time I saw my dad try to jam all 9ft 6 of himself into it. (Slight exaggeration).
It was at that moment that my dad said hi to me. By throwing a gigantic live wild turkey at my windshield. Which I luckily had missed by centimeters thanks to having slammed on my brakes! Those stupid turkeys should be flightless birds and they agree with me as evidenced by the fact that they can’t get any higher that 4 ft off the ground. Or at least this chap couldn’t.
My dad use to send cardinals for my hello’s. I guess he’s assumed it’s been long enough to move onto the more humorous signs from heaven. We do have a cardinal in our neighborhood but it’s a female and I call it Grandma Dorothy. She’s loud and it makes to me.
Anyways, thanks for looking out for me stinker!
My heart hurts for Syria and it’s innocent.
The ones who are there because they were born there and look at their lives.
Iran, Russia, France, UK, and US, we meet there. In Syria and do this to their homes.
The hell they’ve gone through and now…
I started a post today about how catty 5th grade girls are and then….
The year after I graduated high school, was the Columbine shooting (13 lives lost). It was inconceivable that an American child would shoot and kill other American children in a school. I remember specifically and repeatedly trying to process that concept in my brain; we weren’t being attacked by another country. No this wasn’t an international war. It was the catalyst for what became a copycat, mass killing, American culture which we have carefully constructed and intricately threaded into the very fabric of who were are, with the most pigheaded and dangerous minds and laws in the world.
Because some people like to hunt.
Parkland, Florida. Killer bought an assault rifle because child killer was too young to buy a handgun.
Now go back and read that sentence again. Pigheaded and dangerous law.
Child killer wasn’t shopping for a hunting rifle. He had been expelled, he was angry, he had made threats and this has become our copycat, mass killing culture.
To him, this was the next logical step. We will start to hear all the heroic stories of teachers laying down their lives for their students because American teachers are on the frontlines of our civil war against school shootings. They become involuntary, instant, unarmed soldiers in nanoseconds. And they so commonly don’t live. (Remember that when your superintendent gives himself raise and not the teachers, btw.)
A parent said today on the news, “you never this this could happen to you.” And there usually is at least one person who says, “you never think it can it happen to you.” But what we’re all thinking is, “when is it going to happen near me?”
My heart and prayers go out to Florida.
I like to spread the crazy out across multiple platforms so as to dilute the appearance of my family’s cray cray.
But Baby et al. is full of amazing tidbits of information. I would be a horrible world citizen if I didn’t pass them along. Here we go:
#1-Long ago, houses were built with dirt, hair, dead hair, candles, pencils, and teacups.
#2- There are houses under us. The “invisible people” live in those houses. (No clarification is offered on “invisible people”. Draw your own conclusions.)
#3-Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. 4 year old girls have snowflake boobs.
I will keep you updated as I learn more!
To be even more badass.
Although, a mother who is in her 30’s and can eloquently use MF in a sentence is most certainly leading the mother fucking drop-off lane mafia already.
I could teach you but I’d have to charge.
Cheers, mates. Here’s to 2k18! Never drink and drive.
Obviously these dolls are not real. If they wanted true keepsakes, they could make them WAY less creepy (add baby’s first curl to the top…not really), but it bring up a good point…
I don’t mind Santa and the Easter bunny, but this Tooth Fairy business is some seriously creepy stuff…even without this spooky doll. Like, why are we doing this people? When is it going to be socially acceptable to say, “Here’s $5. Now go throw your tooth away.”