I’m Fat

So I heard recently that the artist Pink had gained some weight. She responded via Twitter with a story retelling an interaction between herself and her daughter where her little girl asked her, “mommy why are you so squishy?” She responded with, “b/cuz I’m happy baby” I can relate to that statement with the every inch of my soul (minus the way she spelled because.) I don’t share this with many people but I spent a good portion of my teens and early twenties testing out bulimia and anorexia. If you could see me now, I assume you would laugh at that statement because I look like the worse eating disorder gal EVER! Those were my dark years. I cry just trying to remember the pain I felt for all those years counting bites and calories and exercising till I vomited. Hoping my heart would just stop while I was sleeping. Praying those 10 Benadryl I had left would work their magic if I took them all at once.

I fear backsliding into that, so I don’t run. Because I don’t trust myself to know where the line between healthy and unhealthy are. I don’t count calories because then I cut them until I’m down to a celery only diet. I tired Weight Watchers and I would beat myself up if I ever ate my daily allowance of point. I don’t trust how good I was at keeping those secrets.

Pregnancy was hard. I wanted to eat healthy for my babies and every bite was emotional. I’ve been pregnant twice and gained 19lbs the first time and 7lbs the second time. Which is good for a woman who is overweight. My babies were healthy sized, both were a few weeks early but they were home by one week old!

So here I am. Fat….and happy. I get it Pink! I don’t have starvation migraines! I don’t secretly run to the bathroom after meals. I don’t hate myself. I look in the mirror and tell myself, “My gosh Her et al. you’re fat! But that smile is to die for.” To be able to say my smile is to die for and not think that a stick figure is “to die for” (figuratively and literally) is my success story. 

Am I healthy? Not 100% I’d guess. My fasting labs are fine. My HDL could always be higher, but it’s within range. My blood pressure is good and I am currently not depressed! I want to scream it from the mountain tops. I rejoice and thank God I don’t hurt like that anymore. Squishy feels good.

6 thoughts on “I’m Fat”

    1. Well it took a couple of decades of therapy and test driving every SSRI on the market. It’s not like I look in the mirror and say “dang girl, you’re looking good!” It’s more like “oh…ok…so which curtain shall I drape myself in today?” The therapeutic properties of coffee are drastically understated, too!

      Liked by 1 person

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